I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
