atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
