I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
