Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
