1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
