I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
