Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
