You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
