u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
