If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
