My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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