Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
