Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
