i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
