Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
