I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
