____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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