no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
did i just pee glitter
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
