Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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