he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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