once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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