Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
