sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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