i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
