Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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