New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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