I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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