just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
