Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
this boner is exhausting
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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