The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
