WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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