Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Farmville is her only friend.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
