I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
