She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i already hear my dad disowning me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
