i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
