i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
