i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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