i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
