...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
