im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
