So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
