I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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