I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I party with great urgency now.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
