Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
