today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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