Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
