I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
