I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
