I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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