I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
