YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
