Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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